whitetwoguns | But I ain't no madman.

Naw. [His answer is a force of habit. Freddy quickly shakes his head.] I mean...

[He was thinking of giving the old man a call. Funny how Larry shows up first. The kid doesn't finish explaining what he means.] What about you?

No. Nowhere, really.

[He already had his smoke before hand. So he is content to put his hands in his pockets.]

I thought I'd see you for awhile.

[For as long as he can.]

[Puff puff. Puff. Freddy looks at Larry a moment then nods, green eyes averting in one direction.]

You wanna come back to where I'm stayin'?

[Note, not my place because his place is at the apartment.] I got stuff there...

[It's not a suggestion to move back, just the only excuse he can think of to take Larry to it.]

Sure, kid.

[Where he has been staying. Like a hotel or motel. The difference is audible. See, Dimick. You both are two peas of the same pod.]

Anything new?

[Honest question for his possessions but he is free to answer even if it could be about the ketchup packets in the lunch room.]

I got this thing called baconnaise. It's exactly what it sounds like.

[Freddy answers with some classic ~~scientific~~ enthusiasm.]

Bacon mayonnaise?

[Brown eyes squint because it could easily be bullshit. Except the simple statement without a story isn't the Newendyke way.]

How does it taste?

[Strollin', talkin'.]

Uh huh.

[Hands flap to gesture the affirmative but then he has to give Larry a look.]

What do you think it tastes like?

[LIKE MAGIC. It's made all his non-rib eye dinners better.]

I think the right sort of bread with the right sort of cuts would make it a masterpiece.

[This is not a dinner date. Nope. He smiles.]

...probably tastes pretty fucking great on its own. You'll have to let me have a try.

[Have to in the figure of speech. Except if he happens to see it out, what would be the harm in having a taste?]

I put it all over a hot dog. [Freddy nods again, quite proud of this concoction. About the tasting though, well. He shakes his head.] I don't see why not.....

[It's so hard holding back from telling him they could bring it back to the apartment. That feels like approaching the elephant in the room unarmed, ready to get stomped at the first misstep.]

You could charge fifteen dollars for that and be rich if it tastes how it sounds.

[For as many stabs as he takes at the kid's stomach, Larry's isn't all that different. Don't mind how he is paying attention to the streets they pass as they go on the way to the kid's...to the place where the kid stays.]

I think whoever makes the baconnaise would have a problem with that. I gotta do it one better and make bacon bread.

[Freddy jokes because joker is far easier than having the conversation they should be having.]

What they can't know, can't hurt them.

[Oh. Did he-? He did. Except it's harmless food talk. Nothing too heavy or even remotely involved with them other than mutual interest. Larry swallows.]

Would you make me that kind of a sandwich sometime?

[Because everybody knows they taste better if someone else makes it.]

Sure...yeah I would...

[The kid answers like he doesn't understand the question, not the question itself but why the old man felt like he had to ask in the first place. Don't be dumb, Newendyke, you know why. Oh look his cigarette's spent, now he has to flick it away.]

[If that's not a sign that the conversation is heading different places, than Larry doesn't know shit about signs.]

About last night...

[The beginning is just going to have to be whenever anyone starts it. That's the only thing he an think of.]

[Oh fuck oh fuck oh God he's bringing it up. Well shit you knew it was going to have to come up, Newendyke, be glad Larry said it, now follow his lead. Help an old man out. He can't shoulder the work all the time.]

I liked last night.

[Freddy offers quickly. Nope nope that doesn't help at all.]

I loved last night.

[To really put things into perceptive.]

Except I feel like if we don't learn from what's happened we'll keep repeating problems.

[The fuck. Is Larry actually pulling through this like a steam engine? Color Freddy both impressed and intimidated. Either way these caramel green eyes are on him watching him intently as they walk. He'd stop if he could but he wants to be able to make it to his temporary building, with Lawrence Dimick.]

I know. [Freddy wets his lips.] ...I wanna come back, if we can figure that out. No matter what the fuck happens I still wannna--I want to be with you, man.

[They're not stopping but he reaches out to put his hand at the small of Freddy's back as though he's gonna try to take the lead. He's not.]

I want us to be able to live together again. Fuck, I don't wanna hold you back.

[Not like last time. And certainly not like this time, putting on a good face that he's not even ready to mean.]

It's not that I don't trust you, man. I do. I don't trust other shits. I wanna be a part of you figuring shit out rather than sitting on the sidelines.

[Freddy's posture stiffens a little when that paw touches him but he doesn't move away. He doesn't want to, it's how he knows he can't resist Larry's touch that makes him worry. What if something happens that leaves this conversation discarded on the floor like his briefs? But as the old man keeps on talking his posture gets more comfortable because...because.]

You do?

[He wants to be a part of it, for real this time. That changes everything.] You don't think it's dumb? I'm almost thirty.

[His cheeks feel a little warm for having to say it at all. He's twenty-eight and still no better than a teenager when it comes to men and men in his mouth, men in his ass. It always feels ridiculous to admit.]

[Does he? Boy does he. The touch to the kid stays light even when his feelings grow heavier. Anything he wants to say, he should say now even for fear of fucking it up.]

Yeah, I do. It's a part of you. And if you feel like this is where you need to work shit on out, well, like I said. I'm your man. I wanna be there.

[Keep walking, nice and easy now. This is a vital discussion but treating it like it's nothing helps the words come on out better.]

Even though I'm almost fifty--I'm still learning. I did--[Wait, no.] I do worry about what there might be out there to learn or know for you. There's always going to be something. I want you to be sure that you know that.

[And maybe protect him from it however he can without hindering this learning process.]

[Freddy nods while he's listening and even though Larry's got his paw on him like he's guiding it's still the kid leading the way. He's the only one who knows where he's staying, after all. It strikes some kind of strange balance for the conversation at hand.]

That's all I really want, you know...? I just wanna--I want things I didn't get to have cause I was too chicken shit.

[A chance to realize he wasn't chicken shit, just without a safer environment for it. Who's to say Freddy would be happier if he'd accepted it back in Fresno of all places?]

...You ain't too old to learn new tricks. [Freddy quips. It's another way of bypassing the genuine acknowledgment that at fifty years old there are things Larry's missed out on, things Freddy has taken for granted like annoying family visits.] I guess I got scared.

[Big, gruff older man actually would like to hold onto the kid's hand, maybe to hold him tight. Later. Not now. Touching is easy to default to.]

I got scared too. I didn't wanna be. I was trying to cover it up as fast as possible.

[He's not supposed to be scared or uncertain. Huff. Another smoke is coming on up. Probably when they get to the place.]

[Getting to the place is coming up soon. Just another two blocks up and one block right.]

What are you afraid of?

[Freddy asks, knowing it's a whopper of a question for a man who just admitted he needed to cover up his fear fast. Cover it up with anger. The kid's been with him long enough to know the two aren't so unrelated.]

All of a sudden I got the feeling that if I let this one roll it'd be the beginning of the end. I'd turn a blind eye and you'd be out the door the next thing.

[His voice drops in volume. Freddy an still hear because he is so close. Walking side by side allows him to avoid eye contact.]

All that shit was in my mind. It's got nothing to do with how I think you'll act or say or whatever. I can't be mad at you for who you are or what you wanna do. If you didn't want me anymore, you wouldn't pull it along or put me in other people's beds.

[As if the kid could physically do the act. He sets his jaw and feels smaller, slower admitting things like this. Give and fucking take.]

..........

[God is that the truth or fucking what? If he did fall out of love with Lawrence Dimick he wouldn't do him the same way a cop did a crook. And not out of fear either, it's the right thing to do. It's why he tried to tell him at the warehouse, it's why he told him when he said he loved the kid. It's not right to do that to someone, Freddy's felt it and perpetrated it. It's wrong. More importantly, he's right to acknowledge the kid's freedom. Likewise he'd want the same if Larry were to ever need to ramble on without him. He'd fight about it, sure, but he would want to know and in the end Freddy can't stop him either.]

I love you.

[He stops in midstep and turns to capture White's chin, tilted just so for a kiss. Right here. Right out in public. Oh and those three words too for anyone else to hear.]

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