whitetwoguns | But I ain't no madman.

I loved last night.

[To really put things into perceptive.]

Except I feel like if we don't learn from what's happened we'll keep repeating problems.

[The fuck. Is Larry actually pulling through this like a steam engine? Color Freddy both impressed and intimidated. Either way these caramel green eyes are on him watching him intently as they walk. He'd stop if he could but he wants to be able to make it to his temporary building, with Lawrence Dimick.]

I know. [Freddy wets his lips.] ...I wanna come back, if we can figure that out. No matter what the fuck happens I still wannna--I want to be with you, man.

[They're not stopping but he reaches out to put his hand at the small of Freddy's back as though he's gonna try to take the lead. He's not.]

I want us to be able to live together again. Fuck, I don't wanna hold you back.

[Not like last time. And certainly not like this time, putting on a good face that he's not even ready to mean.]

It's not that I don't trust you, man. I do. I don't trust other shits. I wanna be a part of you figuring shit out rather than sitting on the sidelines.

[Freddy's posture stiffens a little when that paw touches him but he doesn't move away. He doesn't want to, it's how he knows he can't resist Larry's touch that makes him worry. What if something happens that leaves this conversation discarded on the floor like his briefs? But as the old man keeps on talking his posture gets more comfortable because...because.]

You do?

[He wants to be a part of it, for real this time. That changes everything.] You don't think it's dumb? I'm almost thirty.

[His cheeks feel a little warm for having to say it at all. He's twenty-eight and still no better than a teenager when it comes to men and men in his mouth, men in his ass. It always feels ridiculous to admit.]

[Does he? Boy does he. The touch to the kid stays light even when his feelings grow heavier. Anything he wants to say, he should say now even for fear of fucking it up.]

Yeah, I do. It's a part of you. And if you feel like this is where you need to work shit on out, well, like I said. I'm your man. I wanna be there.

[Keep walking, nice and easy now. This is a vital discussion but treating it like it's nothing helps the words come on out better.]

Even though I'm almost fifty--I'm still learning. I did--[Wait, no.] I do worry about what there might be out there to learn or know for you. There's always going to be something. I want you to be sure that you know that.

[And maybe protect him from it however he can without hindering this learning process.]

[Freddy nods while he's listening and even though Larry's got his paw on him like he's guiding it's still the kid leading the way. He's the only one who knows where he's staying, after all. It strikes some kind of strange balance for the conversation at hand.]

That's all I really want, you know...? I just wanna--I want things I didn't get to have cause I was too chicken shit.

[A chance to realize he wasn't chicken shit, just without a safer environment for it. Who's to say Freddy would be happier if he'd accepted it back in Fresno of all places?]

...You ain't too old to learn new tricks. [Freddy quips. It's another way of bypassing the genuine acknowledgment that at fifty years old there are things Larry's missed out on, things Freddy has taken for granted like annoying family visits.] I guess I got scared.

[Big, gruff older man actually would like to hold onto the kid's hand, maybe to hold him tight. Later. Not now. Touching is easy to default to.]

I got scared too. I didn't wanna be. I was trying to cover it up as fast as possible.

[He's not supposed to be scared or uncertain. Huff. Another smoke is coming on up. Probably when they get to the place.]

[Getting to the place is coming up soon. Just another two blocks up and one block right.]

What are you afraid of?

[Freddy asks, knowing it's a whopper of a question for a man who just admitted he needed to cover up his fear fast. Cover it up with anger. The kid's been with him long enough to know the two aren't so unrelated.]

All of a sudden I got the feeling that if I let this one roll it'd be the beginning of the end. I'd turn a blind eye and you'd be out the door the next thing.

[His voice drops in volume. Freddy an still hear because he is so close. Walking side by side allows him to avoid eye contact.]

All that shit was in my mind. It's got nothing to do with how I think you'll act or say or whatever. I can't be mad at you for who you are or what you wanna do. If you didn't want me anymore, you wouldn't pull it along or put me in other people's beds.

[As if the kid could physically do the act. He sets his jaw and feels smaller, slower admitting things like this. Give and fucking take.]

..........

[God is that the truth or fucking what? If he did fall out of love with Lawrence Dimick he wouldn't do him the same way a cop did a crook. And not out of fear either, it's the right thing to do. It's why he tried to tell him at the warehouse, it's why he told him when he said he loved the kid. It's not right to do that to someone, Freddy's felt it and perpetrated it. It's wrong. More importantly, he's right to acknowledge the kid's freedom. Likewise he'd want the same if Larry were to ever need to ramble on without him. He'd fight about it, sure, but he would want to know and in the end Freddy can't stop him either.]

I love you.

[He stops in midstep and turns to capture White's chin, tilted just so for a kiss. Right here. Right out in public. Oh and those three words too for anyone else to hear.]

[That fear is from a ton of disappointments. Some set up by his own two paws with drug addled years or being uncaring of company. Mr. Orange, since the moment they met, has been special with a different set of rules. Nearly.

A kiss on the street. How many days ago did Freddy move out? Before that, when did he decide he would care about a thief and a killer like he does?

Nevermind. Hands are ready to hold him just so.]

I'm not gonna let you go.

[Just like before. Hopefully saying words like this again won't bring about more doubt in the other man.

You started it, Freddy. The flood gates are open. More kisses follow, more tongue too.]

[Right now the future implications don't matter so much. Right now as far as Freddy knows it means Larry's still willing to figure them out instead of just letting the kid go his own way with no questions asked. It's probably hypocritical of him but Freddy would feel abandoned if Larry made no effort to keep him after the way he walked out. Upsetting as they were, he needed every provocation. It just goes to show the old man is right, sometimes the kid needs a little steering for his own benefit, for their benefit. This is the kind of man Lawrence Dimick is kissing.]

Thanks.

[He quickly replies in a breath between kisses before opening his mouth to White. Let him carve out whatever the hell he wants from Freddy. These freckled hands are tightening in his clothes at the waist and at his jaw on his face. Who cares who sees them.]

[When he says hands on, it'll be hands on. Where are they going, who is gonna be there, what is going to be the high signs for going ahead or getting the fuck out. This is for them.]

I l-[Took the words right on out of his mouth, Newendyke.]

Love you.

[Rushed and fully meant. Anyone else around can see they are more than sort of involved with one another. Strangers don't kiss like this except on New Years Eve. There's the full flavor of optimism and hope. The relationship is fractured but not broken.]

We're gonna be okay.

[For fuck's sake they're not bleeding.]

[Those four words--yes, the four, not the three--conjure effective nostalgia. Freddy pulls Larry towards the nearest wall, hand in his clothes now moving to clutch a paw as he continues deepening the kiss.]

We're okay.

[Except this time he's not bleeding to death or on the verge of tears. Anyone who witnesses them at this point ought to know not to look or else they (the public) might blush.]

[Deeper and deeper. Larry gladly gets hauled along. The wall is rough, so is Freddy in the sweetest way. They're in public but what's that on knowing they're still so deeply connected. He pulls this body on closer.]

Mmhmm.

[Soft wet sound of his tongue pulling back clicks as he finally is able to say.]

Take me to your hideaway.

[Rough and pulling and still somehow covered up in those thick arms, heavy paws. It's the best feeling in the world. Also the best taste.]

Okay.

[Freddy gives a small nod then claims another kiss. For good measure, see. Only after that does he take Larry by the hand to lead him the shorter distance ahead. It looks like a set of modest two story buildings tucked between larger ones. At this point the kid ain't even embarrassed of the condition, which isn't all that bad. It's almost like a snapshot of a calmer East LA.]

[Even though it is someone else's four walls the inside, the objects even the smell say Mr. Orange.]

Not bad.

[No judging about how clean it is. The old man does live with him and he does rather gladly spiff up the place. Even as they step on in he still holds onto Freddy's hand.]

They treat you okay here?

[The staff he means. For good measure though he presses a kiss to Freddy's temple. Heavy shit like that on the street could get a man drunk.]

Who's they? I ain't met anybody after putting money down. It's a lot of don't ask don't tell.

[Freddy shrugs, neither proud nor ashamed about his little studio apartment. It's still spartan compared to any of the other places he calls home. This was always meant to be temporary, a refugee camp of some sort. Oh that kiss feels good.]

....You want a drink? I got beers in the fridge. [That's all he has in the fridge.]

[He's one to ask really. The place he got isn't too different. Larry nods.]

One of those then. [Nod, nod.]

I don't even think the guy was awake when I put money down.

[Same thing, Freddy. Honest.]

A beer would be great.

[Even though he knows it's coming he is slow to let go of those fingers so he can get the beverages. Still he'll follow a little, looking here and there about the place recognizing the pieces.]

You put money down?

[The kid quips at the expense of the old man's background, hehehe. Fingers curl briefly before they're released. The kitchenette is just two steps away, literally, so fresh cold beers are out and cracked open.]

It sucks rotten balls, I know. You can tell me.

[Freddy insists in a joking manner with regards to the quality of his place.]

At the counter.

[No way in hell he is looking to buy his little slice of shit. The hot water only runs so hot. And the cold water when you turn it on at first runs scalding.]

That's not what I'm saying it's not bad. You know, for a broom closet.

[He takes a seat on the one and only couch.]

Hah hah hah.

[That's better. Freddy takes a seat on the couch arm because that's where he fits and also because it lets him face the old man. Shoes on the cushion, he doesn't even care. It came with the place. He's thankful it didn't have bugs in it. The kid sips his beer.]

I'll come home.

[It seems like it ought to be obvious after that display on the street, but just for the sake of clarity he announces it to Larry to make it official.]

[First sip rolls down easy. Nerves are still frayed from the neck breaking speed of everything. Naturally his reactions may be more passionate than he means them to be. This is show with a smile and a touch to one of those knees. They're not out of the woods yet.]

I will too.

[Beds aren't as comfortable with just one.]

Start it all off.

[Or restart. Restart is a good word too.]

Cool.

[Freddy nods, giving an easy going smile that hardly contains some enthusiasm coupled with anxiety. He doesn't know how to approach what he wants to say but he knows he ought to say it, for both of them. Larry admitted he was afraid, Freddy shouldn't be afraid of talking like an idiot. Least of all to Lawrence Dimick.]

I liked what we had going on, as long was you were okay with it.

[Group participation. He sips. Just say it, Newendyke.] I gotta do it with you. [It feels wrong otherwise.]

Thinking about it... I feel better about being there, being in on it.

[A player as well as a game keeper. Larry wets his lips.]

Guidelines too?

[That would keep it more structured and far more about the experiment.]

I got...carried away with those.

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