whitetwoguns | But I ain't no madman.

I know it. ...That's one of the things I like about you.

[A real mold breaker. Who would be a cop and still have some sort of soft spot for Mr. Armed Robbery?]

I fucked up. The more I think about it, the more fucked up it is.

[And he screwed up the kid's goddamn arm. What then? They had to move on from the desert to here, would it kill Larry to be more careful?]

...is that part of the reason why we stopped being okay?

[Not perfect, not wonderful just...okay?]

[One of the things he likes...those ears and tail would be perking now. Good thing he's a man and his Marlon Brando body language doesn't give him away so easily. Well, so Freddy thinks.]

I don't know...is it?

[He asks Larry seriously, honestly, because only he can really answer that. The kid didn't kill anyone for him, he didn't turn on his own for him, and he'd already paid the price for his lie.]

I dunno.

[Still feels like a bowling ball no matter how many times he keeps pressing through. At least his voice isn't coming out too strange to his own ears.]

I worry about what I got left if I don't have you. I know how to be on my own, go about my business and shit. All this has been a whole new animal. I never saw myself living like we had.

[Larry licks his lips again. He should invest in Chapstick. The night air is gonna do a number on em too. Eyes half lift to look at Freddy.]

I don't regret Joe or Eddie. [Killing them.] Sometimes that scares me, you know?

[His own ears burn hearing that hit the air. It's admitting a weakness, a fear.]

You said I'm not a psycho or a brute. I believe it when you say it.

[It's easy to not think about. Freddy's been his anti-drug for more than a year now.]

I think you'd be alright without me.

[Freddy says, more because he wants it to be true than he actually believes it. All that reliance, how much Lawrence Dimick needs him, some of it scares Freddy because he's not sure he has the experience, maturity, or wisdom to be an anchor for a man who he sees as his own rock. Maybe that's just it, they're gonna float or sink together. That's how it's supposed to be.]

Not for long though. You know how people go through all sorts of shit together? You can't tear'em apart. With or without sharing a bed, it don't happen.

[That's how he feels about you, Lawrence Dimick, whether lovers or just friends, he can't deny the old man's made a place for himself in the kid's...his goddamn heart. Fucking sentimental as shit to think of it that way but it is what it is.]

I'm clean... okay, for the most part.

[Right now. And he's got nothing but maryjane, whatever booze are left and cigarettes. That's not bad right? He keeps hoping now will be the part where Freddy says they're back on, that it was a mistake to move out.

Except the more they're talking the more it looks like being apart living in separate places.]

D'you think we'll ever get back to that same place, Freddy?

[Larry stops and says his name softly maybe he won't hear right.]

[I want to.

No Newendyke don't tell him that it's giving in so fucking easily. Just look at him standing there in his suit, pouring his heart out, being so fucking vulnerable for such a big man. Freddy doesn't doubt with the right (wrong) words and right (wrong) actions he could rip Larry's heart out. He doesn't want to do that at all. He's stopped walking to with part of his back to the old man, body only partially turned towards him.]

I ain't a fortune teller, Larry.

Maybe. [Because for fucksake he wants to keep seeing Lawrence Dimick.]

Right.

[Nodding like a bobble head on a dashboard. He's not a palm reader either.]

I know you've got shit to figure out. [Instead of abusing his own mouth with his tongue this time he rubs it, trying to make his own thoughts more clear, more honest.] I gotta respect that. You deserve to do it undisturbed.

[Not like last time, all tore up by paws and dashed by his addictions.]

What about you? You don't got anything else to figure out?

[He turns to look at Larry fully now.] You can't tell me you'd take me back right here right now. Would you?

[Not a trick question, honestly.]

[He would. Right now. And somehow that makes him feel like a bigger idiot than he already is. It wouldn't do anyone good, especially Freddy. How healthy is that? Who the fuck does that?]

Yeah. Yeah, I do. I gotta check myself on how I wanna be from here on out.

[Jealous. Rough. Friend murdering.]

It's easy, you know, to keep on rolling and not look back. That's the way I've been almost all my life. And that ain't right.

[If they weren't trapped here, he would have jumped states.]

Yeah...I get that. [Freddy nods, lips wet again.] Look, I like you, I like you a lot.

[He sets a hand on the old man's broad shoulder.] ...I respect you, and I care about you, Larry. [Pause. This takes some guts to bring it out.] I love you, as a friend, as somethin' more than that. No matter what I'd have your back.

[The kid's doing his best to tell him that his love for the old man doesn't stop because they're trying to understand themselves in their own corners.]

[There's that word in all it's burning, beaming glory. He reaches up to touch that hand, who cares. They're alone. Night has fallen.]

I love you. That's not gonna quit or change.

[The last time they even remotely talked like this, Larry asked if Freddy was trying to put him through the wringer. Maybe he had it wrong, maybe it's the old man holding him back.]

You can still turn to me if you need me.

[To protect or defend, help him treat his wounds if he wants.]

[Oh fuck now it's Freddy Newendyke's heart that's racing. All the things he wanted confirmed, the reality of it, tempts him to just fucking crash right into those thick arms. Forget this ever happened. Just go back to being the way they were. No Newendyke, you're not in a goddamn fairytale, it don't work that way.]

Thanks, Larry.

[Freckled fingers turn to squeeze thick knuckled ones. Then without a second thought he leans up to kiss the old man, mouth to mouth. Lips pressed shut but firm.]

[A touch could have satisfied him for days. Larry lightly shuts his eyes and carefully puts his arms on the body standing so close to him. Close lipped is no less of a kiss and he wills himself to behave. How long can they stay close together because he'll milk it for all he's worth without trying to drag it on. Don't blame him, Freddy. He's addicted to you. Feeling brave and surprisingly better he pulls back slowly.]

We'll be in touch.

[It's not dating. This is a break with no promise of reunion besides sticking around. Paws come off of their resting place one by one. Freddy's his own man, not to be clutched on.]

[God being held like this feels so good. Larry's not the only one fighting his own temptation to keep it, to rush head on once more. Not tonight, Newendyke, at least one more night. Freddy's not sure if he could make it.]

Okay.

[Softly spoken followed by a nod. Then the inevitable separation. Orange wills himself to take a half-step back.] I'll see you around.

[Will that be enough to keep Larry from packing up his stuff?]

[Get back now or you'll lose all the ground you've covered. One step, then another of his own. There's the slightest tang of Marlboro on his lips. It's not enough. It never has been, and likely will never be enough of Mr. Orange for him. Larry puts a hand in his own pocket. He's not the sort to wave so he smooths down his tie.]

G'night, kid.

[He's got a motel room to go back to, things to think over more so than ever. And if no answers come he can at least get a better night's sleep.]

But I ain't no madman.

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