whitetwoguns | But I ain't no madman.

I know you do, Larry.

[Another kiss to his mouth. Why do you want to go through with that when you have this right here, Newendyke? The more time he spends talking to Larry about it, just being with him, the more Freddy feels like it would be a stupid mistake no matter how much he wants to 'find himself' just to be a better man. Why is that so necessary to you, Newendyke? He knows the answer and it's kind of selfish compared to this old man's unconditional resolve.]

[Freddy Newendyke isn't a goddamn butterfly you let go and hope it comes back. He's trying to think of it as letting a dog run wild in the park before heading home, calm and happy as a clam.

He lightly shuts his eyes. There's something more he needs to say, needs to make sure of.]

Just men?

[Lips move on the corner of Freddy's. Resting there and breathing in the nicotine flavor he breathes on out, his tongue slipping out now and then to dip into the corner. Maybe he'll drag him into a deeper kiss.]

[Well Newendyke you knew this part was coming too. Hand in hand still, mouth grazing mouth. He presses close to Larry.]

Just for me.

[Not for you, Dimmy. If there's one thing Freddy can't and won't be for you, it's a woman. He has no desire to and that's why he's not opposed to Larry bedding one. Having a girlfriend though...he doesn't want that at all. Maybe you should talk about it instead of internalizing it, Newendyke. Rather than offer more words though, he's drawing that tongue in for another deep kiss.]

[Well. Don't be too surprised, Dimick. The kid knows how you are. Part of him hoped that there'd be a request for just women. Fat chance. It's about being open to screwing around. Just not open. Larry's slowly pulling back, taking Freddy with him so he can sit on his bed. Gonna take a seat, kid?]

What will you tell them when they wanna see you again? When they want you to stay the night?

[What will he say when they discover that he's taken? Who is gonna preach to him?]

[Suddenly he wants to tell Larry to stop asking questions because the more he thinks about it the more it sounds like rules are becoming limits that'll render the whole thing pointless. He may as well not bother with it and stay home. Maybe that's the point, Newendyke.]

I'll tell'em I'm not that kind of guy.

[There he goes, going along with the line of questioning anyway. He takes a seat next to Larry, then ever so slowly halfway on Larry.] I'd tell them from the start, don't expect me to stay.

[Guilty. Guilty. Guilty.

If there are enough points to think about, he'll see what kind of a labyrinth he's walking on into. There's no telling with people out there.]

Don't you know that'd be what makes em want you more?

[Don't tell them your name, that's what Joe said. The usual rules apply. Larry knew them before. Before it wasn't too big of a deal. Paws are encouraging that move but not putting him in his place as he would.

Will Freddy want to fuck a man and strangle him without qualms? Bend a fella like a pretzel because he can?]

You think so?

[He'd have no problem and would appreciate the experience of doing both. Though choking one, that's sort of new to him, he'd do it absolutely carefully. Being choked? That's out of the question.]

I know how to say no.

[In case a guy just won't leave him alone, except Larry probably has the personal experience to argue otherwise. Then again maybe it's just with Lawrence Dimick that Freddy has a hard time expressing it.]

I wanted more.

[Eames did say to try to bring it on to the foreground. He's looking into Freddy's face, looking for something that says too much or too far to the man who wants to get turned out into the dog park.]

That was when we started. I still want more.

[See how these paws clutch.]

I dunno when I came to care about you the way I do but I did.

[Oh fuck he's getting back into it, more like Lawrence Dimick never left. Freddy can just tell, it's his intuition and how much he knows Mr. White. He doesn't leave those paws or his lap but his gaze is low, like he's waiting for something to fall.]

That makes two of us...

[Part of it, the kid is hardpressed to admit, was how good the old man was in doing away with his cherry. Freddy has never ever wanted to be That Guy, the one who falls in love with his first, because that's a load of bull. No one falls in love with their first and lives happily ever after. Not his parents, not his siblings, not his friends, and certainly not him. But here he is, sitting in his first real man's lap.]

[They're in a rinse cycle with the same issues swirling around and around. One of these times they'll collide or mix.]

It was different than it was before, back when we saw other people.

[That was about dating, wasn't it supposed to be? There was fucking around. Serial fucking on the old man's part. He can say with confidence that this is different. Christ, green eyes look his way. Fuck.]

I know more about you. You know more about me. ...I'm pretty sure we'll keep on getting to know more and more as we go. I didn't know just how fucking twisted up this would make me inside except I am and nothing's started yet.

[He swallows.]

I didn't earn whatever you got for me fucking you...and I know my cock's not a cupid's arrow either. Loving and fucking ain't the same thing.

[But...]

[Prepare yourself for a big one, Lawrence Dimick. Freddy waves a hand like he's asking Larry to stop, more like a pause, because he needs to get this out before Larry keeps on going. Just to clear the air, to give him context, to let him know what he's dealing with.]

I didn't fuck any guys while we were seeing other people. I went out a couple times, sucked off a few, but I didn't fuck any guys.

[Now you know why he was so angry to find Lawrence Dimick fucking Kenny Potter. Freddy never had the balls to open up to another man, not even sexually. He stuck to what he knew, just one woman who he's pretty sure already had an idea Freddy was playing on the wrong team for himself. What a pussy you are, Newendyke.]

Why didn't you tell me? Why did you want to get back together so soon?

[When it looks like he wasn't ready for that if this is happening now? His mouth is gaping like a fish. He thought that the shocks to come on out of Freddy after he revealed he was a cop would be tame. Looks like he thought damn wrong.]

What was I supposed to tell you? That I'm too chicken shit and fuckin' confused to go out and 'get it'?

[He needs to slip off Larry's lap so he can actually look at the guy now. Why did he want to get back together so soon? Did the old man already forget?] You told me you loved me. I told you I'm a fucking cop.

[You know what happened next, Dimmy.] I found you fucking coked up. I didn't wanna lose you.

[How did it get from not so good to fucking worse so fast?]

I don't know. Would have been something to say before right now if you've had this going on so long.

[Breathe Dimick. Just fucking breathe. He's now off of the bed. Damn his mouth still feels warm from Freddy's except that moments gone.]

Lose me to what, Freddy? Somebody else? Coke?

[It was rocky and rough but they found a way on back to what seemed like easy street. Now it looks like that was a detour over places they still need to go.]

[Freddy's staring at Larry now, really staring. His brow furrows. Don't say it, Newendyke, you're going to regret it. But it needs to be said.]

I was takin' care of you. [Pointing at him.] I still had feelings for you. [Still do.] I didn't wanna leave you on your own. But did you really think I should have kept dating out with my face looking like a sack of fuckin' bricks?

[More pointing. He's hurt.] You fucked me when I was still recovering, you fucked me without protection. Did you think it would've been that easy for me to say no?

You could have [voice raising like the hurt he thought he was feeling before] chose to live on your own. You had friends that wanted a roommate. Shit, maybe pushed me off onto then since I'm so much of a fucking hassle.

[A thick finger that was holding onto his moments ago is now pointing right on back.]

You could have said no every fucking step of the way and you didn't. It was your birthday and you said you wanted to lose the condom. There ain't nobody making you do anything but yourself.

[He's got half a mind to walk right out of this room, out of this apartment. Where the fuck would you go, old man.]

[What? Nothing about the beatdown? Not a single word? Not even some brief acceptance that maybe it scarred the kid more than he wants to let on? To an extent he's only now, a whole year later, willing to acknowledge? Maybe that has nothing to do with them as lovers at all and Freddy's only using it as justification for his own weak convictions. Is that possible? After enduring what he did just for his mission anything's possible. That everything up to now is his fault is possible. Freddy swallows a hard sore feeling in his throat.]

I want to move out.

[The words come out rushed like he's not even sure he really wanted to say them, but there they are.]

Are you fucking serious? Freddy, what the fuck do you want? Do you want to stay? Do you want to go out there and get fucked? Do you want to fucking live alone?

[It's enough to drive a body crazy. At first the old man's thinking that this is all just one pitch after another to get him to reach a boiling point he never knew he had. Both paws are in the air and it strikes him to the core that his anger may get the best of him.

Again.

Larry rakes both hands through his own hair.]

Goddammit, fuck this! Fuck you! Good luck, man. Nobody'll wail on you like I did. Won't that be great?

[He's stepping on out of the room and slamming the door behind him. Fat good that does since he's stomping into his room.]

[His expression shows doubt, clearly and woefully, but he doesn't take it back. He can't take it back. Larry said it himself, there's no one making him do anything but himself. He can't say 'yes' and go along with it hoping for the best, wanting that ever after, anymore. That's not how it works. This proved it. What started out as his assistance in someone else's budding relationship has snowballs into the decimation of his own. Maybe it was bound to happen, who knows. Freddy has nothing to say to Larry now because if he says a single word it'll end with 'take me back' already. Like the old man asked, why did he want to get back together so soon? That won't happen again. He winces when Larry slams the door hard enough to rattle. Then without another word or whimper, Freddy starts packing a bag.]

But I ain't no madman.

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