whitetwoguns | But I ain't no madman.

We did it together.

[After jail, after Bobby after the asshole that had him waiting for so long only to be fully committed to his wife and kids he wasn't sure he could be a settle down sort of faggot. Or even as a straight man, it was him and the Bonnie at the time on the road. That's not a settled life and hardly a home.]

I didn't see it coming neither. Just knew that I wanted to stick with you.

[Shit, Dimmy are you going to get clingy so damn soon? Nothing's started yet.]

Kid, I just--[don't know how I'll take it.]

[It's hard for Freddy to think of Larry as someone who didn't have it together before. He's always seemed so sure-footed, from the day they met, after he was shot, and his resolve shook but never crumbled even after he gunned down an old friend for him. He may not have thought himself a settle down sort of fag but Lawrence Dimick plays the part beautifully. His Marlon Brando act's got Freddy convinced.]

Larry I wanna understand who I am, what I am, so you have a man who has it together, who knows what he's all about.

[You're thinking it, Newendyke, if you're thinking it then you have to say it.] Sometimes--sometimes I think I don't know what you're all about either...I don't think you really want to do this, then you go out and bring back the condoms. [He's holding his tongue now, not wanting to approach that incident even though it's shouting out in his mind, did Larry see himself being capable of cracking Freddy's face on his fist? This isn't about that, but it's a glaring example of a contradiction Freddy has yet to fully understand and accept his role in it.]

I really like you, I like you a lot, Larry. [I love you] I don't know anything outside of that.

[Larry's the one called Two Guns but those words can hit him straight on.]

I don't [want to do this at all] ...know how I'm gonna be knowing that I'll be sharing you with other people.

[Waiting at home or at work wondering if he's free to roam about the streets. Shit what a double standard, this is a ticket to ride for him too.]

I wanna make you happy. I don't wanna lose you. Fuck, we've given up enough on both sides to turn tail. If we're gonna do this, we're gonna do this together.

[Than to have the kid resent him, or have him decide to go exploring on his own end up meeting someone who fully endorses the lifestyle and so ends the tale of White and Orange.

Larry thumbs the side of his nose. Would it kill the kid to use the L word? He didn't say it when they brought it up. He's not saying it now.]

[Those words make him look back up at Larry. Already Freddy's stepping forward because this part, this really means a lot to him. It's important because he's thought about it too and he never wants it to be the basis for their friendship, for this...whatever it is they have. He's reaching for those paws.]

Larry, I don't ever want you thinkin' I stick with you because you took care of me when I came on or you held me when I got shot or because I feel guilty you made a choice between me and everyone else. [Joe.] I don't stick with you because you gave up a lot for me or because I feel guilty I'm a cop. I told you because it's the right thing to do.

[Because he loves and respects Lawrence Dimick as a man. As a lover, a partner, a better half, that's different. It can't be divorced from this but he'll be damned if what he feels for Larry is a ball and chain locked onto his own guilt.]

[Hands together, big thick fingers curling around slim and freckled ones. Mighty hard to keep a steady gaze listening and hearing good.]

Would you let me know if it ends up that what ever you find ain't us? I can take it man. I can tell you what I want until I'm fucking blue in the face and it won't make it more true until it's true to you.

[The old man is a but busting with interchanging blows of relief, of remorse and of plain confusion. He wants to call the whole thing off and pretend they never started this jaunt unto the unknown. That'd be great but it wasn't his idea. This isn't all about him anymore. It's about them and where they'll be. If it's not gonna be left behind, it's gonna be moving along with progress.

Larry sighs and tilts his head forward to lightly brush against Freddy's if he's near enough. There might be a pretty sharp smell of dye. It's touched up again. That might have been four months since he fixed it last.]

I'd tell you anything, Larry.

[Sometimes that's a problem too, Freddy just can't keep his mouth shut and let things be as they are. Forehead to forehead he can smell the color and briefly wonders just how fresh is it? Before or after Larry realized he might get to play with tits again or might lose Freddy to his own curiosity? Not that it matters too much, with his last remark the kid already knows where the old man stands. He doesn't want Freddy to do this at all. It's something he's taking into consideration, privately.]

If you get tired, you'll tell me.

[Tired of what, does Orange have to explain? It should be obvious.]

You don't get it, do you? I don't wanna call it quits.

[Tired of Freddy means tired of this. It's a down spiral into the shitter. He may not want this opportunity but here it is. The hair dye was to help him feel more with it, more put together. Look younger if his age was coming into factors of consideration for...anything.]

...are you trying to put me through the wringer? You'll have to do better than that.

[Clenched paws and jaws won't let up.]

[There's that goddamn sure-footed certainty again. Larry's so fucking determined about wanting Freddy, about wanting this, like without it there's nothing else he could do that could ever come close. Not even Alabama. How the fuck does a man come to a conclusion like that? Why can't Freddy come close in his own conviction? He knows for certain he wants Lawrence Dimick, he can't say with certainty they'll last. For someone who advocated living in the present and not giving two fucks about ramifications this is a big deal to Orange, because it's the first time he's ever wanted ever after and it's the first time it's ever come within reach. He doesn't want to build the wrong foundation, he doesn't want to put in weak cornerstones, and he's deathly afraid once it's gone he can never be happy again.]

No...

[Maybe. Eames called him out on using Larry's feelings for him as a safety net, if that's the case the net is firmly bolted in place anyway because the old man can't make those feelings go away. The kid shakes his head, slow and quiet, then without another word he purses his lips to press a kiss against Larry's mouth.]

[It could be about stubbornness. That's a start. The other thought going on through is head was after knowing a may for so short of a time, seeing what a powerful hold he can grip on the old man it's gotta mean something. That kind of shit doesn't happen every day with every one. Freddy's not the only one getting the feeling that after this there may not be someone else.

Lawrence Dimick is going to be fifty years old. How many starts and stops are allowed after that? He doesn't want to know. The safety net is firm. God, if you even exist don't go having him play a fool.

Lip to lip, it feels like someone's poured water over a hot pan. Soothing and scalding all at once. His mouth gives under Freddy's stretching it out.]

No seconds. No dancing. [It's murmured against his mouth before going back for more.]

[That's better. That's more like it. Already the kid feels a little less heavy. Feeling the old man's mouth move under his, with his, not away from his, he doesn't believe he's quite gone and wrecked everything.]

I don't dance with just anybody.

[And to prove it, Freddy starts to sway to an imaginary tune, freckled hands still entwined with large paws.]

[No kisses. No dates. There is also now way to feel reassurance then the kid's own words. What kind of words would turn the whole situation on its head? Life doesn't make it easy to find the rewind.]

I mean it.

[About the dancing as he is pulled into the lazy sway. Hell, he means it about everything he's said. Right now he feels like Kenny (damn how long has it been since he thought of him?) wide eyed and full of questions. His brand of calm was probably just more confusion like everyone else.

It'd be great to feel nothing right and just...think.]

I know you do, Larry.

[Another kiss to his mouth. Why do you want to go through with that when you have this right here, Newendyke? The more time he spends talking to Larry about it, just being with him, the more Freddy feels like it would be a stupid mistake no matter how much he wants to 'find himself' just to be a better man. Why is that so necessary to you, Newendyke? He knows the answer and it's kind of selfish compared to this old man's unconditional resolve.]

[Freddy Newendyke isn't a goddamn butterfly you let go and hope it comes back. He's trying to think of it as letting a dog run wild in the park before heading home, calm and happy as a clam.

He lightly shuts his eyes. There's something more he needs to say, needs to make sure of.]

Just men?

[Lips move on the corner of Freddy's. Resting there and breathing in the nicotine flavor he breathes on out, his tongue slipping out now and then to dip into the corner. Maybe he'll drag him into a deeper kiss.]

[Well Newendyke you knew this part was coming too. Hand in hand still, mouth grazing mouth. He presses close to Larry.]

Just for me.

[Not for you, Dimmy. If there's one thing Freddy can't and won't be for you, it's a woman. He has no desire to and that's why he's not opposed to Larry bedding one. Having a girlfriend though...he doesn't want that at all. Maybe you should talk about it instead of internalizing it, Newendyke. Rather than offer more words though, he's drawing that tongue in for another deep kiss.]

[Well. Don't be too surprised, Dimick. The kid knows how you are. Part of him hoped that there'd be a request for just women. Fat chance. It's about being open to screwing around. Just not open. Larry's slowly pulling back, taking Freddy with him so he can sit on his bed. Gonna take a seat, kid?]

What will you tell them when they wanna see you again? When they want you to stay the night?

[What will he say when they discover that he's taken? Who is gonna preach to him?]

[Suddenly he wants to tell Larry to stop asking questions because the more he thinks about it the more it sounds like rules are becoming limits that'll render the whole thing pointless. He may as well not bother with it and stay home. Maybe that's the point, Newendyke.]

I'll tell'em I'm not that kind of guy.

[There he goes, going along with the line of questioning anyway. He takes a seat next to Larry, then ever so slowly halfway on Larry.] I'd tell them from the start, don't expect me to stay.

[Guilty. Guilty. Guilty.

If there are enough points to think about, he'll see what kind of a labyrinth he's walking on into. There's no telling with people out there.]

Don't you know that'd be what makes em want you more?

[Don't tell them your name, that's what Joe said. The usual rules apply. Larry knew them before. Before it wasn't too big of a deal. Paws are encouraging that move but not putting him in his place as he would.

Will Freddy want to fuck a man and strangle him without qualms? Bend a fella like a pretzel because he can?]

You think so?

[He'd have no problem and would appreciate the experience of doing both. Though choking one, that's sort of new to him, he'd do it absolutely carefully. Being choked? That's out of the question.]

I know how to say no.

[In case a guy just won't leave him alone, except Larry probably has the personal experience to argue otherwise. Then again maybe it's just with Lawrence Dimick that Freddy has a hard time expressing it.]

I wanted more.

[Eames did say to try to bring it on to the foreground. He's looking into Freddy's face, looking for something that says too much or too far to the man who wants to get turned out into the dog park.]

That was when we started. I still want more.

[See how these paws clutch.]

I dunno when I came to care about you the way I do but I did.

[Oh fuck he's getting back into it, more like Lawrence Dimick never left. Freddy can just tell, it's his intuition and how much he knows Mr. White. He doesn't leave those paws or his lap but his gaze is low, like he's waiting for something to fall.]

That makes two of us...

[Part of it, the kid is hardpressed to admit, was how good the old man was in doing away with his cherry. Freddy has never ever wanted to be That Guy, the one who falls in love with his first, because that's a load of bull. No one falls in love with their first and lives happily ever after. Not his parents, not his siblings, not his friends, and certainly not him. But here he is, sitting in his first real man's lap.]

[They're in a rinse cycle with the same issues swirling around and around. One of these times they'll collide or mix.]

It was different than it was before, back when we saw other people.

[That was about dating, wasn't it supposed to be? There was fucking around. Serial fucking on the old man's part. He can say with confidence that this is different. Christ, green eyes look his way. Fuck.]

I know more about you. You know more about me. ...I'm pretty sure we'll keep on getting to know more and more as we go. I didn't know just how fucking twisted up this would make me inside except I am and nothing's started yet.

[He swallows.]

I didn't earn whatever you got for me fucking you...and I know my cock's not a cupid's arrow either. Loving and fucking ain't the same thing.

[But...]

[Prepare yourself for a big one, Lawrence Dimick. Freddy waves a hand like he's asking Larry to stop, more like a pause, because he needs to get this out before Larry keeps on going. Just to clear the air, to give him context, to let him know what he's dealing with.]

I didn't fuck any guys while we were seeing other people. I went out a couple times, sucked off a few, but I didn't fuck any guys.

[Now you know why he was so angry to find Lawrence Dimick fucking Kenny Potter. Freddy never had the balls to open up to another man, not even sexually. He stuck to what he knew, just one woman who he's pretty sure already had an idea Freddy was playing on the wrong team for himself. What a pussy you are, Newendyke.]

Why didn't you tell me? Why did you want to get back together so soon?

[When it looks like he wasn't ready for that if this is happening now? His mouth is gaping like a fish. He thought that the shocks to come on out of Freddy after he revealed he was a cop would be tame. Looks like he thought damn wrong.]

What was I supposed to tell you? That I'm too chicken shit and fuckin' confused to go out and 'get it'?

[He needs to slip off Larry's lap so he can actually look at the guy now. Why did he want to get back together so soon? Did the old man already forget?] You told me you loved me. I told you I'm a fucking cop.

[You know what happened next, Dimmy.] I found you fucking coked up. I didn't wanna lose you.

[How did it get from not so good to fucking worse so fast?]

I don't know. Would have been something to say before right now if you've had this going on so long.

[Breathe Dimick. Just fucking breathe. He's now off of the bed. Damn his mouth still feels warm from Freddy's except that moments gone.]

Lose me to what, Freddy? Somebody else? Coke?

[It was rocky and rough but they found a way on back to what seemed like easy street. Now it looks like that was a detour over places they still need to go.]

But I ain't no madman.

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